Key causes of family break-up
The break-up of a family means unraveling of family ties and love among members of the same family. As a result, the home loses its key role in guiding children and regulating their behavior, and is almost relegated to the status of a 'hotel' that provides nothing but food and a place to sleep. Undoubtedly, this is very dangerous and there should be proper solutions to restore our homes back to their natural positions as the centers of a sound upbringing.
However, we should first identify the key factors that cause a family to break up, which include the following:
• Not adhering to Divine commands regarding marital life:
The Muslim must abide by the divine methodology in all spheres of his life. Allah The Almighty Says (what means): {Say, [O Muhammad], "If you should love Allah , then follow me, [so] Allah will love you.} [Quran 3:31]
Prayer is the most important act of worship, thus, Allah The Almighty commands each male family member to enjoin his family to perform it regularly and patiently. Allah The Almighty Says (what means): {And enjoin prayer upon your family [and people] and be steadfast therein.} [Quran 20:132]
In this verse, Allah The Almighty commands the Prophet, sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, to enjoin his family to preserve prayer and to be patient when performing it. ‘Umar ibn Al-Khattaab, may Allah be pleased with him, used to perform night prayer as much as Allah willed. Then, near the end of the night, he would wake his family to perform prayer while reading the aforementioned verse [Quran 20:132] [Maalik: Al-Muwatta’]
In addition, Allah The Almighty praised His prophet Ismaa‘eel (Ishmael), may Allah exalt his mention, Saying (what means): {And he used to enjoin on his people prayer and Zakaah and was to his Lord pleasing.} [Quran 19:55]
Al-Qaasim ibn Raashid Ash-Shaybaani, may Allah have mercy upon him, said,
“Zam‘ah lived next to us with his wife and daughters. He used to perform night prayer for a long time. He would keep performing prayer until just before early dawn, when he would cry, ‘O resting people, will you sleep every night? Should you not wake up to continue your journey?’ Once he finished these words, we would hear his family either weeping, supplicating, reciting the Quran or performing ablution. Then, when the dawn broke, he would cry again saying, ‘In the morning people would praise waking up at night.’”
This is how they observed the Commandments of Allah The Almighty in their houses, which makes us wonder: What about our houses today?
The current conditions of our houses are pathetic, because the main concern of many fathers and husbands is whether their families are eating, drinking, and studying well or not. Very few of us ask our wives and children whether or not they performed their duties towards Allah The Almighty.
Even worse, some people prevent their children from going to the mosque to perform the congregational prayer and forbid them from performing fast during the month of Ramadhaan.
As we mentioned before, Allah The Almighty Says (what means): {O you who have believed, protect yourselves and your families from a Fire…} [Quran 66:6]
However, one must observe the ordinances of Allah The Exalted in one's own affairs and then pay attention to the affairs of the family in order to be able to protect them from the Fire (Hell).
Imaam Al-Ghazzaali, may Allah have mercy upon him, said, “Allah The Almighty commanded the husband to protect his wife from Hell, thus, he should teach her the creed of Ahlus Sunnah Wal Jamaa‘ah, refute any religious innovation that appeals to her, and admonish her with regard to the torment of Allah The Exalted if she neglects the religious duties. He should also teach her the rulings of menstruation and vaginal bleeding outside the menstrual period and other women-related religious rulings that she must know.”
Likewise, one must do the same with his children by taking care of their religious affairs as much as he takes care of their worldly affairs and this leads us to the second factor of family break-down.
• Failing to provide children with a righteous upbringing:
Some people believe that providing one's children with a righteous upbringing is merely 'recommended', not obligatory. This is a wrong idea, because bringing up one’s children is a responsibility and one would be held accountable before Allah The Almighty for any negligence. The Prophet, sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said: “Any slave whom Allah makes in charge of subjects and he dies while he is not sincere to them, Allah will make Paradise unlawful for him.” [Al-Bukhaari and Muslim]
Thus, this is a very serious and binding responsibility. On the other hand, some people believe that a righteous upbringing means just encouraging and ordering one's children to perform prayer. Indeed, prayer is the most important duty in Islam, but neglecting other aspects of upbringing jeopardizes the observance of prayer itself due to a lack of integrated upbringing.
Educationists mentioned that there are many aspects included in a sound upbringing, which are in brief:
Faith-related upbringing: It means attaching one's child, from his early childhood, to the fundamentals of faith, and then making him accustomed to observing the Islamic pillars and principles of Sharee‘ah (Islamic legislation) once he starts distinguishing what is right from what is wrong.
Of course this applies to prayer, as the Prophet, sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said: “Command your children to perform prayer when they are seven years old, and beat them for (not offering) it when they are ten, and do not let them (boys and girls) sleep together (in the same bed).” [Ahmad and Abu Daawood] [Saheeh Hadeeth]
Moral education: It means instilling virtues and behavior in our children since their early childhood, because there is a close relationship between faith and morals. The Prophet, sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said: “The father gives his son nothing better than a good moral education.” [At-Tirmithi]
Therefore, one should make his children get used to noble morals such as truthfulness, honesty, uprightness, respect for elders, generosity with guests, loving others, enjoining what is good and forbidding what is evil. Similarly, he should teach them to keep away from bad morals such as lying and cursing.
Physical education: The Prophet, sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said: “The strong believer is better and dearer to Allah than the weak believer.” [Muslim] He also said: “Neglecting one's own dependents is a serious sin.” [Abu Daawood]
Intellectual grooming: It means stimulating the thoughts and mental faculties of the children through all beneficial religious, worldly and cultural material. We live in an age where there is an ideological war, and our enemies try to shake Islamic principles under the pretext of "dialogue " and "freedom of speech".
Of course, this is absolutely unacceptable, as Allah The Almighty Says (what means): {So to that [Religion of Allah] invite, [O Muhammad], and remain on a right course as you are commanded and do not follow their inclinations but say, "I have believed in what Allah has revealed of the Quran, and I have been commanded to do justice among you. Allah is our Lord and your Lord. For us are our deeds, and for you your deeds. There is no [need for] argument between us and you.} [Quran 42:15]
Unfortunately, many Muslims themselves try to shake these Islamic principles in the minds of their family members through their carelessness and by allowing them to have access to the immoral means of mass media inside the house without any form of guidance.
Social upbringing: It means getting children accustomed from their early childhood to observing various social manners, because we do not live in isolation. We must socialize with other people and this necessitates instilling the principle of Islamic brotherhood in our children. Allah The Almighty Says (what means): {The believers are but brothers} [Quran 49: 10]
The Prophet, sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said: “The Muslim is the brother of the Muslim. He neither oppresses him, nor surrenders him, nor lets him down. It is a serious evil for a Muslim to look down upon his Muslim brother. All the things of a Muslim are inviolable for his brother in faith; his blood, his wealth and his honor.” [Muslim]
One should also instill altruism in the children because this amazing quality is one of the attributes of the most virtuous people. Allah The Almighty Says (what means): {And [also for] those who were settled in Al-Madeenah and [adopted] the faith before them. They love those who emigrated to them and find not any want in their breasts of what the emigrants were given but give [them] preference over themselves, even though they are in privation. And whoever is protected from the stinginess of his soul -- it is those who will be the successful.} [Quran 59:9]
One should also instill the values of forgiveness and respect for others’ rights and other social manners in our children.
There is no doubt that the absence of these values will certainly lead to the break-up of the family and develop negative feelings between the children and their parents. The more attention is paid to inculcating these values, the more united and happier the family will be.
Finally, let us mention the story of the man who went to ‘Umar ibn Al-Khattaab, may Allah be pleased with him, complaining about the undutifulness of his son. ‘Umar, may Allah be pleased with him, brought the son and censured him for that, but the son said,
“O Commander of the Believers! Has the child not got rights over his father?”
“Certainly,” replied ‘Umar, may Allah be pleased with him.
“What are they, O Commander of the Believers?”, asked the son.
“That he should choose his mother, give him a good name and teach him the Book (the Quran),” 'Umar, may Allah be pleased with him, replied.
The son said, “O Commander of the Believers! My father did nothing of this. My mother is a Negress who belonged to a Magian (fire worshipper). He gave me the name of Ju‘al (meaning dung beetle or scarab) and he did not teach me a single letter of the Quran.”
Turning to the father, ‘Umar, may Allah be pleased with him, said, “You have come to me to complain about the disobedience of your son. You have failed in your duty to him before he has failed in his duty to you; you wronged him before he wronged you.”
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